Mr Empire & His Clumsy Fat Fingers

Is it possible that maybe, just maybe Great Britain is completely responsible for the continuing Israel-Palestine conflict.

Oh crikey, what have I just said?

I am definitely going to be in trouble now, no real way of putting a positive spin on this is there. Like telling your folks you’ve inherited the weaknesses. Fuck it lets not stop there; let’s blame Korea for something whilst we’re at it, eating dogs. When is that ever right?

Mum, if this is my last message before I’m tapped in the back of the head by spies who never loved me; well then sorry, I was the one who dropped the cupboard on the cat and you’re right, I only ever phoned you for money. Oh and tell George he can have my guitar……….

Israel, Britain, Palestine. Yes right so, is it possible that maybe, just maybe a British Empire, rapid in it’s decline and in the last throws of real influence might try desperately to justify its continuing position as self appointed father-figure to a new world?

If you’re going to wade in and demand respect from an emerging populous, it really isn’t a particularly good idea to start making grossly exaggerated promises that you will never be able to keep.

‘Oh blimey, look at all these poor homeless Jews, they’re in a terrible state bless them. Searching desperately for a place to call home.

I know, have this bit of land here. Why, because we the ever powerful empire say so that’s why. Just ignore all these local people, they’ll move on when we tell them’

And so, implementing and to a certain extent, ordering the creation of an Israeli state in order to solve one of the worlds many problems. Nothing to do with the financial implications of remaining tied to such a prosperous trade route.

‘Look at us flex our muscles. Commanding the world’s nations once more. We speak, they listen. Look how terrific we are. Look how the world needs us to head this table. You see, I told you we still had purpose.’

‘But Mr Empire, this little bit of land contains numerous religious relics and encompasses the only major trade route to the East. Surely the locals will be far from happy with us taking it?’

‘Don’t worry about it, just sign these papers and promise to maintain this special little bond we’ve now developed. Lovely. OK, take care, we’re off now, any trouble just give us a shout. Oh and we’ll probably start sending a few more boats through the canal.’

But the locals weren’t happy. The locals weren’t happy at all.

And now, realising that perhaps they’d bitten off just a little more than they could chew, the once great empire backtracks fiercely. Leaving in its wake the beginnings of a festering conflict which has deteriorated into what we see today. A weakened, vulnerable yet highly volatile Israeli state, left to fight off the hostile influence and desire that continues to surround them.

So now what will the US and her reckless posse (The Global Police in all their glory) do as they find themselves in a similar situation? Yearning to right all of the world’s wrongs in one fail swoop, basking in the grateful thanks of all Earth’s people.

Perhaps slightly under prepared for the long-term ramifications of grossly overextended promises. What price on a hasty retreat from Iraq?


Nicely done lads, nicely done.