Britain's Shortest War?

Vs Zanzibar (43 minutes)

23.09.08

First of all, It’s important to establish, the following story probably shouldn’t be laughed at. In fact, on first glance, it really is quite horrific. Yet here we are laughing. Why?

Imagination.

Probably best to let one of the papers explain. ‘Sacked Indian staff beat boss to death’ (Guardian). That’s 63 staff, all arrested. Plus a further 70 odd facing charges of disturbing the peace.

So just to clarify. That’s over 130 men against 1. In a car park with metal bars. Which is just bad.

And yet, consider this. Lets make a movie. Lets put Will Ferrell in as the leading protagonist, lets keep it in India but replace the metal bars with dead fish.

This is sticking it to the man.

I stole a stapler once. This isn’t.

Thought it best to mix things up a little with a topic that might best be described as ‘out of the box’. Something new, relatively untouched yet as deserving of our attention as any other story today.

And so, without further ado, I introduce you to: The Credit Crunch.

‘Things can only get much worse’

YYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

The Independent Independent finally find themselves in apocalyptic heaven as at last, another iceberg has melted!

YYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

The shackles are off. No longer will they hide in the shadows, tied down under literary constraint with nothing better to embellish than a little financial disharmony. Not for them the ailing fortunes of a few bankers.

Whilst we’re talking about it, lets talk about it. Apparently we can expect a nuclear winter as ‘millions of tons’ of methane gas will soon be released into the atmosphere. Lets be honest, the details mean little. Just to know our little drummer boys are happy at last, free to point fingers at us from their pedestals once again.

Welcome back. We’ve missed you terribly.

The competitive rivalry between Japanese scientists and the Times newspaper, is the world's worst kept secret, we all remember that awful mess a few years back, but things have just gone up a gear. From what I can gather, whilst sat in some smoky men’s club in Barnstable, drunk, stuck in a conversation running dry for inspiration, Times bet Japan they couldn’t build an elevator to the moon.

Swear to god, totally true. No April fools, check the date.

Grandpa Telegraph can’t compete today. He’s having a nap instead.

The Daily Mail is worried about Immigrants and The Sun has some breasts on page 3

You Might Like: Jeremy Gilley

In 1999 filmmaker Jeremy Gilley decided to try and establish the first ever Day of Peace with a fixed calendar date. In September 2001 the Member States of the United Nations unanimously adopted the first-ever annual day of global ceasefire and non-violence—Peace Day, 21 September.

peaceoneday.org

Craydon Carter

"I grew up as an observer.

It's like being at a party and not knowing anyone and standing at the bar watching the whole thing unfold.

You have a much better sense of what's going on than the person who's having a great time dancing on the tables."

18.09.08

I love Lloyds TSB. Tip-toeing into the financial furore with greedy glee. But wait, no. This is not the circling vulture picture it may appear. Lloyds TSB are by no means exploiting the situation for their own gain and anyone who says so needs slapping. You see, it’s going to stabilise the sector, calming concerns all over the shop. The white knight rides in on his gallant steed. Hooray! Hurrah! All hail the Lloyds TSB juggernaut.

Reports of hand rubbing big wigs skipping through the autumn leaves might well be over exaggerated.

Ok so maybe we may have just created the most powerful financial organisation in history, with a seemingly unassailable control. So a few may lose jobs. The important thing is that alls well again. Feel free to nip back to the sand pit and bury your head.

6 years old and I was playing with Lego. Educated on Rhubarb, Custard and Postman Pat. Now whilst I admit to some strange fascination with the plasticine bird in the post office, ‘sexual thoughts’ never really got a look in. Which may come as a shock to some of you; before today I perhaps ignorantly assumed myself to be in the majority. Was I wrong? Misled by a blinkered childhood full of Tonka Toys and stickle bricks? Does the current batch of 6 years olds really require a sex education lesson?

The Times, today performing its best Daily Mail impression reports the publication of a sexual health pamphlet aimed at 6 year olds. Reporting with ‘horror’, it should be noted. That’s ‘horror’, in case we were in any doubt as to an opinion.

Please, please, please won’t someone, somewhere crash an oil tanker, kill all the Panda bears or chop down some trees. Something, anything to give Independent Tower an issue to attack. Another grossly overpowering headline and surely somewhere fairies will begin to die.

‘Mayfair mafia who toppled banking giant’

Mafia. In Mayfair.

Hedge fund gangs are dodgy yes. Corrupt, most likely. Horse head, drive-by, pasta eating wise guys?

One of them is called Crispin.

The Daily Mail is worried about immigrants and The Sun has some breasts on page 3

You Might Like: A Very Commercial Carrot

Meet the CarrotMob

Forget negative campaigning, why not reward green businesses instead - with a group spending spree? Tanis Taylor joins their first UK event

"I heard about this two hours ago," says Meghna Nayaka, 23, holding a beer. "I was going to meet a friend for a drink anyway, so I thought, why not make a statement while we do it?" Meghna and Becky, 24, are CarrotMobbing. They and others have swarmed, as part of a virtually mobilised group, on a small business to reward it with their custom. Tonight the business is the Redchurch, a bar near Brick Lane in east London, the owners of which have promised to spend 20% of the day's takings on environmental upgrades on the premises. In return, trade is brisk - unprecedented, says the owner, for a Tuesday evening in September. Next time the mob will pick somewhere different to reward - maybe a corner shop or a pharmacy, the type of high street store they might frequent anyway.

The difference is that the business will have competed for custom and committed to adopting greener practices, and the mob organisers will have mobilised a spending spree to patronise the winner.

CarrotMobbing emerged in the US earlier this year. It uses the "carrot" of consumer buying rather than the "stick" of boycotting or bad publicity to encourage ethical business. Alone, our consumer choices make a minimal impact, but together and organised we unlock a bigger bargaining power. CarrotMobbers talk about "liberating" their capital. They make demands of their suppliers; green improvements in exchange for loyalty. And they are prepared to reward in a language that companies understand: cash.

The receipt roll had to be changed three times at the San Francisco CarrotMob. Three hundred shoppers assembled at K&D Market to spend $9,276.50 in a couple of hours. Beforehand, Brent Schulkin, founder of CarrotMob.org, met 24 shops in his area, telling each that he was organising a network of consumers and asking them to offer energy efficiency improvements in exchange for the monopoly of this mythical market. Competing offers were evaluated, and K&D Market bid highest, pledging that 22% of the day's takings would be used to improve the lighting system and the hazardous waste disposal. It got environmental upgrades plus an improved reputation. The mob got a cleaner, greener local high street store.

Direct action is nothing new, but usually it is in opposition to a system, rather than in cooperation with it. And now it has been mobilised by social networking. "In the past when you wanted to say, 'Let's reward this one business,'" says Schulkin, "you would have no easy way of knowing whether every-one else was going to reward them too, that it wouldn't just be you."

Today, with MySpace, Facebook, blogging, Twitter, Digg and YouTube calls to action, a single post from a credible, connected source such as Schulkin can mobilise what web expert Howard Rheingold calls a "smart mob" in an instant. Once rallied, the transition from online interest to offline activity is somewhat trickier, but CarrotMobbing is an activity people are happy with. It is about shopping. Milk, bread, beer: staples. There is no complicated barrier to entry. "We're not saying, come to the rally and chant against your enemy," says Schulkin. "CarrotMobs are fun community events. We're not asking you to go to some natural food store you've never heard of and buy some product you don't know how to use. It's familiar brands and familiar things to do."

Shopping our way out of climate change has its critics. It's difficult to make a serious bid for environmentalism just because you have bought your weekly staples from a mob-designated shop (and then put them in a plastic bag).

"You can make an argument that we're promoting consumption," says Schulkin. "But I think of it more that we're targeting existing consumption. CarrotMobbing is not saying that you have to spend more money. The idea is that you are spending money you would already be spending, you're just going to organise it. We harness the buying power of the casual consumer. This is not meant to be for the hardcore environmentalist, it's a movement designed to appeal to the mainstream masses." Which is perhaps why its first Britishincarnation is being held in a pub.

Britain's first CarrotMob is not as mobilised as San Francisco's. It doesn't have the spontaneous, can-do energy of buying toothpaste, together, at a designated time. Punters are middle-class, work in renewables and bring their empty pint glasses back to the bar. Friends of the Earth and Greenpeace lobbyists network happily, and there are lots of people who call themselves "social entrepreneurs" but obviously spend too much time on the computer. Still the bar is doing great business and, if nothing else, 100 punters in a credit slump has turned pub manager Rocky into an evangelising green convert. When we go, we will leave a legacy of energy efficiency upgrades at the Redchurch, rubber-stamped by environmental assessors Global Action Plan.

Like all good web 2.0 movements, CarrotMob is democratic. Anyone can plan a CarrotMob style event using Facebook. The next actions are already planned for Kansas City and Bristol in mid-October, and there are branches in Israel, Australia, Brazil and South Africa.

Schulkin is globally ambitious. "I see CarrotMob franchises all over the world translating good into profit." Whole networks of CarrotMob-approved venues; a thousand different local campaigns and a million mobilised shoppers ready to put their money where their mouth is. "At that point," he says, "I think we have critical mass to take on the larger companies." To demand that brands clean up their environmental policies or pay a living wage in return for our custom. "We are the economy," says Schulkin. "We decide who gets rich."

It starts here. With this beer. We clink our glasses and say "Cheers".

17.09.08

‘Please sir, can we have some more?’ wail literally every financially motivated organisation in the land as ‘Governing Global Government Inc’ reconsiders its decision not to wear a condom on all of those fateful nights stands.

So just to clarify, for those of us at the back; big, bad, billionaire banks throw money around willy-nilly, not a care in the world bless ‘em. Safe in the knowledge that, if in the ‘however unlikely’ event that their ridiculous gambling addiction fails to pay off, daddy government is on hand with a little extra cash to smooth the blow. Our cash. Tax to you and me. Which is nice.

US government bails out ailing insurance giant AIG

If grey was quite obviously black then this would represent a very grey issue. Lest we forget, financial trading amounts to no more than a day at the races, without any guide of form nor day for the ladies.

And so, I ask. One fateful trip to Vegas later and I find myself significantly out of pocket. Might the government do me the favour of financial aid, in order that I may maintain this bawdy gambling lifestyle that I have now become accustomed to?

But stop! Seriously, this is not perhaps the time to start dishing out frustrated mutterings of descent. It seems there be some strife ahead. Whisper it, but apparently the financial systems of the globe are in a bit of a pickle as ‘Wall Street and the City get their comeuppance’ (Independent). Don’t worry though, these things always blow over just as long as we all remember to stay calm. The secret is not to panic and where possible if the papers wouldn’t mind refraining from big bold statements of fear that would be lovely….

Global meltdown continues as contagion spreads (Guardian)

FTSE dives into second day of carnage (Times)

Now fear stalks British banks (Independent)

Financial turmoil: AIG and HBOS woes are tip of the Titanic iceberg (Telegraph)

Meltdown Monday: We lost our jobs…. now we could lose our dream wedding (Mail)

Eva: I bonked my way around the US (Sun)

I take it that’s a no then.

Now, in the past there have been some, quick to label Grandpa Telegraph as a bias, bigoted read with little in the way of balanced argument. Which just isn’t true; never one to pick sides, trusting us to make up an informed judgement, Grandpa proceeds to gives us only the facts, letting us make up our own mind. The Tories, not Labour, are best to tackle social breakdown. As if there were any other side, sometimes I make myself laugh.

Now, probably best you sit down for this next bit. Maybe take a few deep breaths. For as any 14yr old will tell you, the moment the teacher begins to talk the carnal talk, your stomach drops out through your arse. Independent quango the Independent chooses today to discuss whether or not we all might like to do the dirty thing just a little bit dirtier. A little bit of vomit jumps into our mouths; please Independent stop, we promise to play sensibly. God, let another iceberg melt sufficiently enough to return us to safer print.
“We are all sick in our own little way”, I’d like to disagree with you Felix Quinn but you can’t deny your instincts now can you.

Finally, news of what might be the greatest TV moment yet to make it to air. Tony Blair vs John Stewart.

Better than porn.

The Daily Mail is worried about immigrants and the Sun has some breasts on page 3

You Might Like: Drink. Survive.

Isn't it a coincidence how literally days after we had that conversation about why there wasn’t a more refined qualification for heavy drinkers, one turns up. You remember, we were sat in the pub, you’d just balanced that toothpick/spoon combo on the edge of your pint glass and I was about to fall over the beer keg. Good times.

According to the Department of Health, the nine alcohol-fuelled personality types are:

· "De-stress drinkers" use alcohol to regain control of life and calm down. They include middle-class women and men.

· "Conformist drinkers" are driven by the need to belong and seek a structure to their lives. They are typically men aged 45 to 59 in clerical or manual jobs.

· "Boredom drinkers" consume alcohol to pass the time, seeking stimulation to relieve the monotony of life. Alcohol helps them to feel comforted and secure.

· "Depressed drinkers" may be of any age, gender or socioeconomic group. They crave comfort, safety and security.

· "Re-bonding drinkers" are driven by a need to keep in touch with people who are close to them.

· "Community drinkers" are motivated by the need to belong. They are usually lower middle class men and women who drink in large friendship groups.

· "Hedonistic drinkers" crave stimulation and want to abandon control. They are often divorced people with grown-up children, who want to stand out from the crowd.

· "Macho drinkers" spend most of their spare time in pubs. They are mostly men of all ages who want to stand out from the crowd.

· "Border dependents" regard the pub as a home from home. They visit it during the day and the evening, on weekdays and at weekends, drinking fast and often.

Room for everyone………

Benicio Del Toro

"Faith, I still have that.

Faith and hope, still burning. Not faith in god; faith in something.
Something bigger than you and me. It could be humanity. Or the Universe.

It's not personal."

07.09.07

Ancient legend has it that somewhere deep beneath Independent Towers, some 53 steps below the wine cellar, guarded by rabid dogs, you will find a vault.

And in this vault, so the legend goes, there are just the few remaining articles tucked safely away under dust. Articles with which to grab us by the bollocks, stare deep into our eyes and scare the crap out of us. Hand picked for those days when the war just doesn’t cut it any longer, when disease fails to arrive and when Global warming seems just a little bit tepid.

Sadly, the key was misplaced long ago. Blindfolded, the dart takes aim at the map.

‘Switzerland: Europe’s heart of darkness?’. Right, well thanks for that, now I know.

The Guardian is so desperate for this week to end. On the edge, we expect them to break at any moment. Throw enough mud in enough faces and surely some will stick; surely…

‘Foot and mouth reports blame drains at ‘shabby’ lab site’. Not the builders then, as someone may have suggested earlier in the week. Nor the cows, or the passing circus, the local tramp or the Polish.

No, this time the Guardian if confident. ‘Was probably spread by leaking drains’, ‘it’s now pretty clear’ that the outbreak started at the lab.

Cold hard facts are hard to dispute

‘Where’s the sex?’

My sentiments exactly Grandpa, my sentiments exactly.

‘Should the old lady do more to ease this crisis?’ Actually, I’d rather she didn’t if it’s all the same to you.

Times Head Boy is far too busy today. World Cup Rugger, hurrah!. What TVs were made for.

‘We should all cherish Ann Widdecombe’ (Independent). No Terrence Blacker, we shouldn’t.

The Daily Mail is worried about immigrants and the Sun has some breasts on page 3.