17.09.08

‘Please sir, can we have some more?’ wail literally every financially motivated organisation in the land as ‘Governing Global Government Inc’ reconsiders its decision not to wear a condom on all of those fateful nights stands.

So just to clarify, for those of us at the back; big, bad, billionaire banks throw money around willy-nilly, not a care in the world bless ‘em. Safe in the knowledge that, if in the ‘however unlikely’ event that their ridiculous gambling addiction fails to pay off, daddy government is on hand with a little extra cash to smooth the blow. Our cash. Tax to you and me. Which is nice.

US government bails out ailing insurance giant AIG

If grey was quite obviously black then this would represent a very grey issue. Lest we forget, financial trading amounts to no more than a day at the races, without any guide of form nor day for the ladies.

And so, I ask. One fateful trip to Vegas later and I find myself significantly out of pocket. Might the government do me the favour of financial aid, in order that I may maintain this bawdy gambling lifestyle that I have now become accustomed to?

But stop! Seriously, this is not perhaps the time to start dishing out frustrated mutterings of descent. It seems there be some strife ahead. Whisper it, but apparently the financial systems of the globe are in a bit of a pickle as ‘Wall Street and the City get their comeuppance’ (Independent). Don’t worry though, these things always blow over just as long as we all remember to stay calm. The secret is not to panic and where possible if the papers wouldn’t mind refraining from big bold statements of fear that would be lovely….

Global meltdown continues as contagion spreads (Guardian)

FTSE dives into second day of carnage (Times)

Now fear stalks British banks (Independent)

Financial turmoil: AIG and HBOS woes are tip of the Titanic iceberg (Telegraph)

Meltdown Monday: We lost our jobs…. now we could lose our dream wedding (Mail)

Eva: I bonked my way around the US (Sun)

I take it that’s a no then.

Now, in the past there have been some, quick to label Grandpa Telegraph as a bias, bigoted read with little in the way of balanced argument. Which just isn’t true; never one to pick sides, trusting us to make up an informed judgement, Grandpa proceeds to gives us only the facts, letting us make up our own mind. The Tories, not Labour, are best to tackle social breakdown. As if there were any other side, sometimes I make myself laugh.

Now, probably best you sit down for this next bit. Maybe take a few deep breaths. For as any 14yr old will tell you, the moment the teacher begins to talk the carnal talk, your stomach drops out through your arse. Independent quango the Independent chooses today to discuss whether or not we all might like to do the dirty thing just a little bit dirtier. A little bit of vomit jumps into our mouths; please Independent stop, we promise to play sensibly. God, let another iceberg melt sufficiently enough to return us to safer print.
“We are all sick in our own little way”, I’d like to disagree with you Felix Quinn but you can’t deny your instincts now can you.

Finally, news of what might be the greatest TV moment yet to make it to air. Tony Blair vs John Stewart.

Better than porn.

The Daily Mail is worried about immigrants and the Sun has some breasts on page 3