05.09.07

We all knew it was coming, we’ve all seen the original and we all wept just a little bit. So it should come as no surprise to find the inevitable spin-off hotfooting its way towards a cinema near you.

‘Basra: The soldiers’ tales’ (Independent Productions) premieres later today. Critics are calling it a masterpiece, a triumph. It’s got it all; fear, loss, relief, heartbreak, animal cruelty………….

“I remember once a group of Bulldogs came under fire. I dived under one of them and there were rockets and mortars landing everywhere”. Says the only soldier in the world small enough to obtain sufficient cover from a dog. Or perhaps they’re giant bulldogs, genetically enhanced for warfare. Yes that’s much more likely.

Genetically enhanced, warrior bulldogs. Now that would be worth seeing.

(Yes, Bulldog in a term for an armoured vehicle. No animals were harmed during the making of this movie)

Also out this week we have the return of Chinese super spy ‘Titan Rain’.

The Guardian seems jumpy, maybe even a little nervous. Dressed immaculately as always in bright summer colours they smile. Cannot help but return the compliment, and damn it we feel better for seeing them. Yet beneath lies the fear and skittish ways of a newspaper on the edge. Desperately clawing at the newsreel for that one killer punch. Pilled up to the eyeballs, headlines descend into chaos.

‘Foot and mouth linked to builders’. That’s made up isn’t it; you’ve gone a bit ‘Daily Mail’ there haven’t you. Within two lines, the article has admitted the ‘exact cause is unlikely to be established’.

‘Please don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. There’s so much more to me, you’ll see’.

An intervention is planned for next week.

Oh and Mattel have gone off in a sulk, recalling 800,000 more Barbies (Times). Apparently no one would talk to him after last week’s ‘Ken’s got Lead’ incident. If he can’t play with them, neither can anyone else.

‘Yeti footprint photos go under the hammer’ reports Grandpa. As the world first conclusive evidence of the snowman’s existence goes on sale. ‘Yeti’, ‘footprint’, ‘photos’; no room for mistruths there then. Apparently any resemblance to a size 12 walking boot is purely coincidental.

Headline of the Day?

‘Hospital bans crocs’. About time too.

The Daily Mail is worried about immigrants and the Sun has some breasts on page 3.